The Mad Man and The Star Ship
by MattHarrisFF
Summary: Captain John Smith, Banana master of the Kobayashi Maru, has been given the USS Tardis, an old re-purposed star cruiser, for one single mission: Exploration. This is the tale of The Doctor and his crew as they go in search of new life in the Gamma Quadrant, all whilst trying to avoid the grip of the Dominion.


"Captain Smith, we're receiving a message from the SS Kobayashi Maru, it's been rendered incapacitated, sir," Stated a woman stationed at the communications array of the bridge. She was looking towards the view screen at the front of the ship, which now visually confirmed what she was saying. Out in the depths of space drifted a large cargo ship, a large hole sparking in its side. The man sat in the chair at the centre of the room, Captain Smith, nodded slowly. His long floppy brown hair fell over his right eye and his quirked half smile accentuated his large chin.

"Life signs on board?" He asked quickly, they were deep in the neutral zone and thus would only have a brief period of time before the Klingon War Birds picked up on their existence in the area.

"Yes sir, but not many, there are six aboard the bridge, but they read…" A man at the helm of the ship shot off quickly, his hands dancing across the holographic display in front of him. Before he could finish informing the captain on the status of those on the ship across space from them three new ships seemed to phase into existence from nowhere.

"Klingons…" Captain Smith hissed under his breath. "Open a visual channel, all frequencies," he ordered the woman at the communications array before standing up with a twirl and a smile on his face. "Hello there everyone, this is The Doctor!" He started off with a grin, using the nickname that some of his friends within Starfleet Academy had given him instead of his real name, "I need to have a word with you".

"Receiving a live response, Sir," the woman replied once more.

"Please, call me the Doctor," he grinned at the woman. "On screen."

"Doctor, I am Captain Mameth from the house of Kanjis," The Klingon on the screen growled, narrowing its eyes at the Human on the bridge of the USS Trainer, "To what do we owe your trespass onto the Klingon neutral ground?"

"There's a ship, out over there, it's civilian. Probably just strayed off course accidentally and drifted into the zone. It's damaged. Let us beam the survivors out over onto our ship and we'll leave. That's all, we just want to go."

The Klingon smirked slightly, his expression amused. "Please do not patronise us, Doctor, the Kobayashi Maru entered Klingon space, we shall destroy it. Leave now, or else we shall destroy you as well."

The Doctor sighed, running a hand through his long mop of hair. "Didn't want to have to do this…" he muttered, "Right then, Geronimo! I challenge you as the champion of the USS Trainer and the SS Kobayashi Maru , captain of the lead most warbird, to a hand to hand battle to the death. Winner gets to leave with the Maru, or are you just a Qa' Hom baktag?" He ended off with a cocky grin and a tilt of his head.

The Doctor was in his element, the Kobayashi Maru, the supposed no win scenario and John Smith had almost defeated it. Naturally his attempt on fooling the system was a tenuous one, it all depended on how true to life the programmers of the scenario had been when designing the test. A Vulcan, named Spock, had created the test and it had only been beaten once. Even that defeated of the system was a falsity as it involved external tampering. As much of a role model that James Tiberius Kirk had been, The Doctor was sure that he could complete the test without involving any form of external tampering. If the angry muttering of the Klingon captain was anything to go by, he was at least incredibly close.

"We agree to your terms, Doctor, on a single condition," The alien captain eventually conceeded. "You must come to our ship unarmed."

The Doctor couldn't help the annoyed growl that was bubbling up from within him release slightly. Of course there would be some way for the Klingons to put him in a situation where he would be likely to die. That didn't matter, however. The win conditions of the test were for the survivors of the Maru to be extracted and the USS Trainer to escape the neutral zone without being destroyed. His life was not a win condition.

"I agree to your conditions. Though, you must let my ship leave unharmed," The Doctor reiterated, pointing his finger at the Klingon on screen sternly.

"Of course, Doctor, we are bound by honour."

The view screen cut off and the Doctor couldn't help but grin, there was only one final thing to be done and then the test would be over, though how the invigilators would take his self imposed sacrifice was completely unknown to him. "As soon as I leave the bridge, work on transporting those survivors," The Doctor stated quickly before making his way to the door out of the bridge."

"But Sir… Doctor… They'll kill you. I can't help but protest this action," Claimed is second in command, her name was Amelia Pond.

"Amy, I'm not. Don't worry it's completely fine. I have a thingy, a planny thingy" He reassured her, grabbing the womans hand and pulling her into the turbolift with him. "Turbolift, to the transporter room." The lift began moving, the Doctor and Amy both grabbed onto the railings within to stabilise themselves.

"Do you want to tell me about this 'planny thingy' of yours then?" Amy asked, raising an unhappy eye brow at The Doctor.

"Well, there's something very silly, when you think about it, regarding transporter systems, star ships, and bananas," The Doctor grinned, all but bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

"Bananas?" His first officer replied, looking even more baffled than when he began. "What could possibly be silly about bananas and starships?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes, but humoured her questioning nonetheless. "What happens when you teleport a banana into… oh I don't know… the helm of a Klingon warbird?" Amy stared at him blankly. "The Klingon warbird goes spinning out of control because it has a banana in it, obviously."

A look of dawning realisation built up on Amy's face. "But that's brilliant," she gasped aloud.

"Yes, yes I am," The Doctor grinned back at her.

"Okay 'Doctor', that's about as far as we're willing to let this one go," a voice over the intercom of the turbolift chuckled. When the doors of the machine opened they were staring at the very amused faces of their Starfleet professors.


End file.
